Now

As I head into this new year, on the crest of one of the most tragic losses I will ever experience, the word that’s floated to the surface for 2025 is NOW. I thought it might be peace or healing, but no.

I cringe when I hear people use the word “healing” about the loss of my brother. Healing is for broken legs, not broken hearts. This kind of grief is something unique to the way he died. Survivors don’t heal, we learn to live with it. Every day I take it in my hands and allow it to rest. It is heavy and unfamiliar but it is happening.

I often struggle to hold it, but I do.

…and every once in a while it lands softly.

When this happens I remember.

I remember the sound of his glorious laugh.

And it calls me back from the edge of grief and holds me gently…now.